Well, at least its less than a year. I come here when I'm disgruntled, which seemed to be happening a less than last year. Baby steps.

I'd say I'm more restless than disgruntled. And impatient. I didn't get any of the professional shows I really wanted to work on, had a couple of opportunities slip through my fingers during the summer which was extremely frustrating, and with the economy as it is now, there just isn't the work available. So I have a day job, a good ol' 9 to 5, well, 6, that keeps me comfortably afloat and gives me something to complain about. Give it a few more months, I might even succeed in paying off my credit cards, thanks to my overhire status at Juilliard. Being a part-timer is sadly much more lucrative than being an intern with like NONE of the responsibility. Seriously. I usher and move music stands around occasionally. For $10-$20 an hour.

But I want MORE. I'm thinking I want to get out of New York, but I'm not ready to go home quite yet. I did the Rose Bowl again, and not-so-subtly hinted at Disney that I want my job back next season, but that gives me a good 9-10 months to travel wherever, work wherever, be free. Except for that whole need-an-income problem. I really wish I could tour, but again, no one's hiring right now. So ironically, I have all the freedom in the world... yet I feel stuck. Its a strange situation. And I don't know what to do with myself. In the past, when I've felt this way, something always comes out of nowhere and solves the problem and I'm off on another journey... so maybe I just wait?

Completely unrelated, another thing I've been sort of inspired to do (besides finally finishing that striped scarf I've been knitting since LAST YEAR) is write. My mom and my aunt have always told me I should try it, that I'd be good at it, but all my efforts have sort of petered out after about 10-20 pages. I get impatient, and skip over things that should be longer, then lose interest. I feel like its something I could maybe work on, though, especially since I have nothing to do at work really since the Christmas rush is over. But I've been so inspired lately by reading some really good books that I want to create something like that. Cutting off, time to do a little actual work.

Seriously, I'm freakin tired (no pun intended) of this ridiculous insomnia! My head is aching, and all I want to do is sleep. But of course I can't.... so what did I do? Something completely ridiculous... I have this file on my archive hard drive of stuff from high school and college, papers and pictures and stuff... and IM conversations. I have a lot of random ones... but quite a few that read seriously like a Meg Cabot book (for those who don't know, she has an amazing gift to tell a complete story completely through txts, emails, IM convos, etc) thanks to an on-again off-again whatever-it-was that I had my senior year at USC. Of course, memory fills in the gaps, as does old entries in my Xanga, but WOW was it weird reading it again. People who knew me in college probably know EXACTLY what I'm referring to, but now I feel really... cleansed. Of course, I did the google search, and lo and behold, married sept 1, 07. Seriously, I feel weird closure. In a good way. Not that I ever was holding out for something to happen, but it used to float around once in awhile as a "what if".

I've kind of been dealing with boy issues recently anyway, thanks to an incredibly persistent actor in one of the theatre companies I work for (not at Juilliard). He asked me out, and I said yes, but kept rethinking it, and was all ready to give the we-should-be-friends speech, when he totally called me out on my awkwardness, and somehow two dates later, I'm still seeing him. Seriously, I'm incredibly awkward at the whole formal dating thing, which is why things usually just happen out of friendships, and I have thrown some very strange logic at him... and he still calls me. I don't understand it. I had such doubts at the start and still kind of do, but how can you not like having someone to wait for you after work, or to share coat pockets and warm hands with? And who puts up with my neurotic-ness? I say such ridiculous things sometimes that I feel like a moron, and he just goes with it. Of course, I kind of hate New York and can't wait to come back to California, so I didn't really want to develop anything long-term. And I have a bad habit of getting really attached...

I feel really emotionally drained as it is. Work has completely sucked me dry, I feel like every day I go to Juilliard its a struggle, I'm constantly trying to prove myself, keep 10 steps ahead, keep my feelings of utter failure at bay. Thats probably why I want to go back to Disney so much, they actually like me there. I fit in. One of my co-workers at Juilliard told me that if she were in my position, she would have quit by now. Its that bad. No matter what I do, they tell me I have to work harder, that I'm not good enough for this job. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm so not. Yesterday, ON MY BIRTHDAY, they tell me there's actually been talk of taking me off the show, apparently I suck so much. And then gave me a cupcake with a candle.

WTF???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

You know what is the weird part? Well, there's lots of weird parts... but I don't believe them at all. I think its complete bullshit. I am good at what I do. I LOVE what I do. I don't love doing it at Juilliard... but they can't make me give it up. Do I have misplaced confidence in myself? Maybe. But I have made the majority of my money since graduating SC from stage management. And that has to mean something. Frankly I think Juilliard is bullshit. I hate working there. What is frustrating too is that I think there is potential there to learn a lot, but the system is flawed and they are so busy beating us (ME) down that I feel like I'm suffocating instead of developing. It seemed like such a great career move... but damnit, I'm going to stick it out and get that name on my resume. I've suffered too much already not to. So many interns end up staying at the school and getting full-time positions... I am so gone as soon as my last show closes in May. I don't think I'll come back right away, ideally, I'd love to do a national tour or PA on Bway at least once, but I know my road will lead me home. And I'll be happy to go home, knowing I gave it my all, and working my way up the totem pole at Disney. No one could have ever told me that I would dislike living in NY so much, so I'm glad I made the journey at least. It makes me appreciate home and my life in CA so much more. I went through my post-graduation years feeling that like there was nothing for me there, and now I can't imagine settling anywhere but. NY just isn't the end-all and be-all ultimate accomplishment I always held it up to be. Then again a lot can change in one, two, even three years. I may look back at this and just laugh.

Ok, serious entry.

So everyone who I talk to from home asks me "hows NY?" and "do you love it?" and "are you happy?".... and of course I smile and list all the great things about being here. Truth though? I'm just a tiny bit miserable. And lonely. And depressed. And I've been crying randomly. In the subway, at work, at my apartment, walking down the street.... and most embarassingly enough, during my check-in meeting with my program director. That one was really a doozy, bordering on a full-out breakdown. Luckily Helen is awesome, just handed me a tissue and listened.

Whats the matter? I don't even know where to begin... I feel like in some ways my move here was cursed. There were all those logistic problems, and me having to live on Manuel's friend Laura's couch, and even getting lost in the bad part of Brooklyn with my 1000 lb bag trying to get there. Then not getting the key to our apartment, even now still not having even met the super or gotten a mail key, having the small but terrifying roach problem, not being able to get our furniture from IKEA till October, not having a decent place to buy food, having a ridiculously high showerhead that makes taking a shower uncomfortable and near-impossible, the ridiculous 6-day night schedule I have at Juilliard, the overly critical and bossy supervisor, insomnia.... its a lot to deal with. So I cry all the time.

I don't mean to imply that there hasn't been anything good about the move. I saw three shows for $25 apiece when I first got here, which was really fun (I LOVE Legally Blonde!!!), got up early and saw Broadway on Broadway from the fan section, voluteered at the BCEFA Flea Market and saw Sutton Foster walking down the street. (No, I didn't say hi, I was working the SMA booth, and she was with friends anyway.) I also found a second part-time job stage managing for an educational theatre company called Winceyco. I know money is going to get tight really quickly though, which makes me extremely nervous.

All the Broadway stuff is great and awesome, but I don't know that its worth being here alone and miserable. Its really only fun if you have someone to go to stuff with. And I don't even mean a romantic someone, which might be nice, but I'd settle for a friend or two. I think I'm just cracking under the stress, and I can't wait to come home for the holidays.